Vegas Nights: Pink Pleasure Palace
by Bellavampiresbetterthanyou
Summary: AU/AH.Bella,Edward,& a business trip to Vegas.Bella's had years of mediocre sex, no oral satisfaction,& a broken heart. Edward is there to help her out, and the Pink Pleasure Palace sure isn't a casino,folks. M for adult content, snark, sexual situations.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight-related...characters, names, plots,...though I can always dream. Offensive language, adult situations, and all that stuff from here on. You are warned. **

**A/N:**

**Happy New Year's Eve to all of you good folks in Twilight Fanfic land. I hope your party has more juice than mine does. I've had school work overflowing from my eyeballs for months now, so this is a short...maybe long creative exercise since I've gotten stuck on my other crack fic Sex & the Supernatural. Well, Edward and Bella have a thousand different stories, plots, and faces here in fanficdom, and here's another version. By the way, the Pink Pleasure Palace is not a casino. Even though we begin with a break-up scene, I write crack fic/snark, so there will be no angsty/heartfail/premature death here. Hope you enjoy. **

Chapter 1

_Rat know way of rat_

_-Wonky Chinese proverb from a bargain book_

Bella

My heels clicked noisily as I ran up the stairs to my apartment. I hated being in such a rush all the damned time, but it was the nature of my career. My phone beeped to signal a new text message. I flipped it open to check the message.

_Trip over the fucking high heels again? Hurry the fuck up--already 10 minutes late, Vegas is waiting- Move ass!_

_-E_

I rolled my eyes and grinned at his teasing. As if I could move any faster in these fucking ridiculous heels! Edward knew how much I hated wearing heels, but the end result made my ass look fabulous, so I didn't complain out loud-_very often. _I fumbled clumsily with my key ring in my attempt to open the door. I just needed to grab my suitcase and run back to Edward's car outside. Thankfully, I'd already packed it last night. We had a month long consulting gig in Vegas. I was hoping that Jake would be here so that I could say good-bye, but I never knew when he would pop up. I managed to get the door open and took my shoes off at the door. As I sat my purse down, I heard a low moaning sound coming from the back room. I didn't remember leaving on the TV this morning, so I decided to investigate.

What is that fucking noise? Please tell me Jake is not rubbing his junk to that creepy porn video again. After the first two minutes of _Triple Nipples, Poly-Clit, & Other Erotic Wonders_, I left to him fly solo. How fucking weird can you get?

I crept down the hall trying not to make any noise. Maybe if I managed to scare the living shit out of him, he'd stop jerking off in my bed alone. The sheer number of his jerk-the-junk adventures made me wonder how his dick hadn't fallen off. On top of this, he constantly got head and all I received in return was mediocre sex.

The door was cracked slightly and the sounds coming from the room were definitely sex-related. I prepared myself to see more of Jake's cheap porno on the TV as I peeked through the door crack, but instead of Jake, I was shocked to see some cheap blonde with her head thrown back against the headboard. She was moaning like a seagull stuck in the microwave. It took a minute before I recognized her as the skanky bitch from downstairs.

_Tanya?_

Did she break into my apartment to get off in my bed? Fucking sick…maybe she has a weird porn fetish like Jake…

I pushed open the door silently, trying to see the whole picture. As the door swung open, I was able to take in the entire scene.

It took several seconds for my mind to process what I saw. My bitch-whore of a neighbor was sprawled on my bed, clutching the head of my rat bastard boyfriend to her pussy like he was attached with Krazy Glue. It sounded like she had a dying frog lodged in her throat as her warbling went over the legal sound limit.

"Oh fuck! Right there, Jake. You know I like it when you suck harder," she screeched in her high-pitched voice.

I felt hot tears prick at my eyes as my temper flared.

Hell no! Not after he refused to go down on me for four fucking years! Asshole…

I grabbed the first thing my hand could find – something really heavy—and threw it straight at Jake's head. My aim was off, but I felt really fucking satisfied as it made contact with the wall and shattered everywhere. Gloppy orange blobs and red goo exploded all over them as were jerked out of their little sex adventure.

_Ha, that fucking teenage lava lamp he couldn't part with!_

"You fucking cheating bastard! How could you? I wasted four good years of my life on you!" I screamed at him.

Both of them looked dazed, but recovered quickly and scrambled to find clothes to cover themselves up. My temper kept growing. Something to throw-anything just to hurt him! That was all I cared about right now. I picked up two of the pillows that had fallen off the bed. I went for alternating blows between the two of them with every ounce of strength I had. One of the pillows busted and feathers started flying everywhere.

"Gees, Bella! Give me a chance to explain, or at least let us get dressed. Ouch! Damn that hurts!" Jake yelped as he scrambled to get off the bed and away from my rage.

I didn't listen. I just kept whacking the shit out of them until my vision was obscured by a haze of feather down. I had tears streaming down my face, still screaming at the pair when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me to restrain me.

"Bella? What happened? Are you hurt?" A smooth voice spoke into my ear. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. Edward would make this better. He always made things right.

I just pointed at the bed and blubbered, "Him…asshole..licking stupid bitch's pussy…bastard! Get them out!"

I probably sounded like I had Tourette's, but I was in such a rage that I couldn't get out a solid string of words. I heard Edward growl as he looked at Jake.

"Listen dog, you need to get the hell out before I rip your nuts off! How could you do this to her?"

Jake and Tanya were still trying to find clothes, but they couldn't move without slipping all over the floor. Between the oily goop and the feathers, they looked like they had just escaped an episode of _Fear Factor_ in a chicken-plucking plant.

They had finally given up on trying to dress and were making haste to get out of the bedroom. In a last fit of pique, I snatched one of Tanya's hooker heels from the floor and threw it as hard as I could at Jake; it hit him square on the forehead and he lurched, smacking his head into the doorframe.

"Ow! Goddamnit, that hurt!" he yelped, finally getting his ass out of the room. The front door clicked shut behind them several seconds later.

I turned around as Edward hugged me closer to him, trying to calm me. The tears were still rolling down my cheeks, but it was mostly from the humiliation. It was going to be a long, long flight. I was going to be flying the drunken skies tonight.

* * *

-E-

I knew the booze had taken effect when Bella began singing the first round of "99 Bottles of Lube on the Wall," but I didn't expect her to get completely shit-faced.

"Why? I just don't fucking understand, Edward. There's nothing wrong with my pussy. It's fucking-_hiccup_-gorgeous!" Bella said before taking another long swig from the flask I had stuck in her purse earlier. "This," she said with a sweeping gesture across her lap, "is a goddamned gold medal pussy. Grade A, Five-Star... " She didn't handle hard liquor very well, but walking in on that fucking moron with his face nose-deep in skank twat was definitely cause for getting drunk. While I couldn't believe my luck that the idiot had finally gotten caught, I hated that it had to cause her so much pain.

"I mean, no one's going to pen a sinful sonnet about my lickalicious hoo-ha, but it deserves oral attention too. Fucking-_hiccup_-Jake! …Always wanting a dick-lick. I don't even remember the last time I had an orgasm that wasn't backed by AA batteries. Maybe I should just give up on guys. They just don't get it. Oral reciprocation—that's all I want. I'm suffering from first degree-_hiccup-_pussy neglect!" She leaned back into me, resting her head against my chest. All the booze-induced bravado was starting to fade.

I wrapped my arms around her, trying to calm her down, brushing her hair away from her face. The louder she talked, the more she hiccupped.

"Shh, Bella. Calm down. I promise it's going to be okay. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back to normal again. Even if I have to take you bar-hopping for a giant she-male muff-diver named Gertrude, you can count on me. We might have to tone down the dirty talk until we get off the plane. The flight attendant is giving you a look, and I don't think it's due to interest in your new sexual liberation. I'm not sure if we can be kicked off the plane at 30,000 feet, but she looks like she's considering it. Just keep in mind that first class doesn't include complementary parachutes."

She let out a drunken giggle and sighed again. I gave her a small squeeze and settled back against the head rest. Maybe she would sleep the rest of the flight. If she was still this intoxicated once we landed, she might try to belly surf on the luggage carousel.

"Mm, so sleepy. Thanks, Edward. Always such a great friend to meee…" She slurred as she burrowed further into my arms and slipped off to sleep.

Such a great fucking friend, if she only knew.

I'd been head over heels in love with Bella since we'd met in college. Well, lust-over-heels, initially. She'd been assigned as a partner for a project in a business class. My first impression had gone straight to my dick; she was so beautiful, but she had been so shy and stammered her way through our first meeting. We became great friends over the course of our class, and I found myself taking more of the same classes just to be around her. She'd gone into accounting, and I'd followed her, like a love-sick puppy. After graduation, we'd both gotten offers from Volturi Tax Consulting. She accepted the job, and of course, I followed right along.

I'd never asked her out, too much of a fucking pussy to risk our friendship. Bella never acted like she wanted anything more. She'd flirt when she started drinking, but she never showed interest in taking our friendship past that. After so many years around outspoken friends like Rose and Alice, she'd found her voice. Fuck me, what a dirty mouth she had when she let loose, like tonight.

_That fucking douchebag Jake. _

"Attention all passengers. We will be arriving in Las Vegas in thirty minutes. Local time is now 9:30 pm and the weather is cool and clear," a bored voice announced over the speaker system. This was going to be one hell of a trip

**Alright, the stage is set. Thanks to lavishone for the call back reminder and encouragement. Sometimes, if you poke a dead thing with a stick, it will wake up.**..


	2. Plans, plans

_Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth._

_-__-Wonky Chinese proverb from a bargain book_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight-related...characters, names, plots,...though I can always dream. Offensive language, adult situations, and all that stuff from here on. You are warned. If haven't made fun of one stereotype or offended someone yet, it's probably on the way. **

Chapter 2

-B-

"Jeesuus, Edward. Why did you let me drink sooo frucking much? It's going to take me hours to sleep this off..have to beeoon site first thing in the morning." I remembered muttering something along those lines when Edward had dragged my drunk ass off the plane earlier.

My head felt like someone had smashed my fucking solid gold vibrator over it. We had landed almost two hours ago, at least I think. I remember going off on a long rant about Jake. I hoped I didn't say anything too inappropriate for public ears. I was semi-lucid as Edward herded me from the plane and through the baggage area. After he had picked up the rental car and coaxed me into the back seat to rest, it seemed like it had been much longer. I was almost elated as I stared up at the lights of the hotel.

_Bellagio, make me your bitch._

The partners at Volturi may have been assholes, but they weren't cheap assholes. I needed something to go my way after my shit-fest of a day. I don't know what I'd do without Edward. Fuckhot Edward, my_ best friend_ Edward, _off-limits_ Edward. Maybe it was the booze goggles, but god I'd really like to try a free sample of his hot ass.

_Oh hell, that was what I had fucking rambled about earlier. I'm on a mission to restore my clitoral right to orgasm. My four years of clitoral dysfunction from Jake are fucking over! Pussy from here on out, at least, I think. Watch out ladies…as soon as I've had some sleep. _

"Come here, Bells. You'll feel better once you've hit a real bed. We've just got to check in and get our rooms. There's a hot bath and a fluffy bed waiting for you." He pulled me forward into the lobby to wait at the counter. I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I inhaled his smell, appreciating the scent of cigar smoke that seemed to follow him around. This scent always lingered in the office, due to the three senior partners that insisted on smoking cigars all day. Caius, Marcus, and Aro, the three evil founding pricks of Volutri Tax. .

As we finally made it to the front of the line, the brunette behind the desk started batting her eyelashes at Edward before greeting us in a squeaky voice. "Good evening. Welcome to the Bellagio! My name is Jessica. How can I help you?"

_Casino _s_kank. The employee's handbook on customer relations doesn't begin with "Make a customer feel welcome by stare-fucking his guy junk."_

Edward cleared his throat and the girl snapped her eyes back up to his face. "Good evening, we have two reservations under Cullen."

Edward was such a kind soul, ignoring the flirtatious looks the twit at the counter was giving him. I just wanted to rip out her reproductive organs. I swear to God, every woman he came across! Maybe he emitted magic sex dust? He could turn any sane woman into a whore-in-heat. You could just see their ovaries flashing "open for business" like a gaudy neon sign at a cheap liquor store. Then again, my pleasure parts got just as excited. I was just an expert at hiding it. The girl scowled at the computer, giving it a dirty look.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Cullen, but there seems to have been a last minute change. Someone called in today and changed the reservations. Your request for two rooms seems to have been changed to just a single suite…the Elvis Honeymoon suite?" Her voice trailed off in a questioning tone.

_Oh shit. One room, one bed, one Edward....not a good idea. _

After some arguing, it turned out that we were stuck with the room assignment, unless we wanted to find another hotel. After a late night flight and carting around a drunk Bella, Edward just agreed to the suite and took the room cards from the receptionist-bitch.

Half-supporting me, we managed to make to the room, where he helped me into bed. I faded in to a deep sleep as Edward kissed me on the forehead and whispered, "Sweet dreams, Bells."

* * *

-E-

"Sweet dreams, Bells." I sighed and pulled the coverlet over her. Her tiny form was obscured under the giant Elvis face printed on the material. I shuddered as I looked around at the countless images of Elvis staring back at me. Elvis in Vegas, Elvis in Honoululu, Elvis from Jailhouse Rock! Somebody had a fucking Elvis fetish when they put this room together. The leopard print sofa didn't look comfortable, but sharing the bed wasn't a good idea. Although my dick argued otherwise, I didn't want her to freak out if I started sleep-humping her leg during the night. On the other hand, the hot tub and multiple mirrors placed around the room had potential.

I finally crashed out on the couch, after making sure a bottle of water and aspirin were left on the bedside table for the Bella. After her visit from the Hangover fairy, it would be the first thing she would reach for in the morning. Maybe tomorrow would be better, if I could steer Bella around her new pussy-only policy.

* * *

-E-

I leaned back in my chair and yawned. Five hours of sleep, one hung-over Bella, and a live Elvis wake-up call later, my attention span was failing. One of the division heads of our new client, Meyer Manufacturing, was droning on about something, but I had stopped paying attention over forty minutes ago. I glanced to my left and saw Bella typing away on her laptop with a fierce concentration. Curious, I sent an IM to her account.

**Green_Eyes1901: You're tapping at the keyboard like you're trying to give it an orgasm. What gives?**

**KlumsyKlutz: You know I love it when you talk dirty. Hacking into the IRS and sending a tax auditor after the Rat Bastard formerly known as Jake. I bet his ass will think twice about double-crossing me after this. Also looking for some places to do a meet n'greet with fellow muff-lovers. Not much luck. I wonder if there's a Pussyholics Anonymous here? I could work backwards from that. Is the guy up front boring the hell out of you too?**

**Green_Eyes1901: Bored doesn't begin to cover it. I'd rather clip and file Aro's toenails than listen to this guy. Listen, I found a site that might interest you. The link is to something called ****Jade Flower's Pink Pleasure Palace****. If you're still serious about going over to the muff-side of life.**

**KlumsyKlutz: Thanks for the visual. Now I'll be having nightmares of Aro's curled corn-chip toenail clippings mixed in with images of Jake and the blonde bitch. Pink Pleasure Palace…must check that out. **

-B-

With a final click, I closed the last window on the screen with a smug smile. Jake would be receiving a visit from our local IRS office shortly. He wouldn't know what hit him. All of his tax records were locked in my safe deposit box. I wouldn't be home for the following month either. I might as well hit him where it hurts.

_Hope you enjoy spending quality time with Madame Trunchball from the IRS sorting through your shoebox of receipts, Jakey. Hell hath no fury like a pussy scorned._

I clicked on the link that Edward had sent. It led to an ornate website with an oriental theme. This was almost the perfect place to begin. I blocked out the sounds of the man speaking at the head of the conference table and started to read eagerly.

Madame Jade Flower presents:

A Night in the Pink Pleasure Palace

Techniques for Exploring

The

**Power of Pussy**

Private Virtual Instruction

For

Individuals or Couples

_Bingo! Thank you, Edward_. _If I want to get quality tongue-licking, I'll have to know how to give it as well, I suppose._

This was just what I had been looking for, and there was a session available tonight. I finished reading the information and scribbled down numbers. I quickly messaged Edward back to let him know that he'd be coming with me for moral support. He swiveled the chair to face me, one of his eyebrows raised.

"Just moral support?" he whispered with a smirk.

I just rolled my eyes in response. "Well, you can always go to the bars with me to find a Gertrude like you promised."

He chuckled and he winked at me. "I didn't think you would remember that, but a promise is a promise. You, me, Jade Flower, and the pussy then."

**A/N: Naughty, naughty I am. I did end it there. But, I have much more written! Thank you so much to lavishone for all the encouragement and dead-thing poking. Double thank you to everyone who reviewed. Those good little girls and boys got a chapter teaser for reviewing. See you next Thursday!**


	3. First Lesson

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight-related...characters, names, plots,...though I can always dream. Offensive language, adult situations, and all that stuff from here on. You are warned. If haven't made fun of one stereotype or offended someone yet, it's probably on the way. Also, I borrowed the Jade Flower name from Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries. That belongs to Charlaine Harris. I certainly don't think she'd want to claim this Jade Flower.**

_Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly_

_-Wonky Chinese proverb from a bargain book_

Chapter 3

-E-

Fucking shit. She was really serious about going through with this. I gulped down one more shot for courage. We had been sitting in the bar of a hotel at the far end of the strip, passing the time until Jade Flower-whatthefuckever- started her exhibition. After messaging Bella, I'd had scandalous images playing on repeat in my head. Bella with her legs splayed open wide and head thrown back, another faceless woman lapping at her gorgeous pussy. I hadn't been able to get out of my seat the entire afternoon because my dick had been stiffer than a flag pole, thanks to my vivid imagination.

"Are you ready?" Bella asked.

I nodded and got up to pay the bar tender. I had lost count after the third round, but as Bella swallowed her last shot, I wondered if she was trying to steady her nerves. I couldn't help but be fascinated by the way her throat moved as she swallowed. Jake was a fucking tool for screwing around on her. I wouldn't make the same mistake. She swayed slightly as we walked toward the designated area. I placed my hand on her lower back to steady her.

"9A. 10A. This is it." Bella counted as we walked down the hallway. She let out a nervous laugh and grabbed my hand. She pulled me into the little room behind her and shut the door. I looked around and felt surprised. I had imagined some type of class room setting, with maybe a video or power point demonstration. There was a giant flat screen on one wall of the small room and a long couch stretched across the opposite wall. A long handle ran parallel above the couch. _Pussy pleasure bar? _

Bella pulled down the materials from a bin on the wall and started to skim through them quickly. She squinted as she read more, pausing here and there with a surprised expression. She reached down on the side of the couch and pulled out a box.

"The booklet says that this is a practice model for people without partners," she explained as she opened the box and pulled out what looked like the lower half of a woman's torso that ranged from a belly button to upper thigh. I saw the blush creeping up her face as she examined it closely to see it included full female genitalia too. Always curious, she started poking around, her eyes widening when she realized that the interior portion was anatomically correct as well. I just rolled my eyes and tugged on my collar with two fingers. It was starting to get a bit warm in here, and I was desperately fighting the urge to start stroking myself.

"Oh wow, it has a built-in G spot too! Want to feel?" She asked excitedly, looking at me.

"Mm, no thanks, love. I'm here for moral support, remember?" I said pointedly.

_Just kill me now, please. _

She gave an experimental lick to the hip area and her eyes widened. "It's…strawberry-flavored?" she said in a questioning tone.

_Boing!_ A loud noise broke over the speaker; it sounded like someone had struck a giant metal gong.

A refined, but slightly effeminate male voice followed the gong. "Please be seated and prepare for Madame Jade Flower's class to begin."

We sat back on the sofa and stared at the screen. A very life-like computer animation appeared a second later. It was a petite woman with short black hair that looked Chinese, but I couldn't be sure.

"I am Madame Jade Flower, Mistress of the Pink Pleasure Palace. Tonight, I teach you secret of pleasing pink lotus and capture magic of flower bloom. My teacher, Madame Lotus Flower-gone-forever-to-place-of-Eternal-Orgasm, show me secret way of Pussy. I pass lessons along to you," the figure on the screen spoke in a broken English accent.

"First, we begin with pleasure stroke. Pay special attention to outer petals. Make flower unfold with lotus pattern." The woman on the screen held up the display model in front of her to indicate the motions.

After a few more pointers about blooming flowers and some other crazy shit that we couldn't understand, the computerized Jade Flower pointed from the screen to us and barked, "You! Practice. Now!"

Bella had been staring at the screen intently. She looked at me and shrugged. "What the hell, right?"

She picked up her model and started to stroke the inner thigh, looking slightly perplexed. She was trying to trace the complicated pattern shown by Jade Flower, but she seemed to be having trouble.

I tugged on my tie to loosen it, trying to get some more breathing room. The voice in my head was chanting, "Friends, friends, friends."

"Does it look like I'm doing this right, Edward? Do they have cheat sheets for this? It looks like a pentagram pattern, not a lotus! Shit. I'll never get this right." She threw down the strange half-torso thing and grabbed her flask from the floor, which somehow miraculously kept refilling itself like a fish and loaves miracle from the Bible.

After a healthy swig, she capped it and set it back down.

"Bella, sweetheart, calm down. You need to relax a bit. Take off your jacket and your heels for starters. Hell, you're probably supposed to be reasonably comfortable for pussy pleasure lessons, right?" I asked with a hint of humor, though being sarcastic was the last thing I had in mind. I was already in the process of shedding my tie and jacket. I was about to hit a temperature of a hundred and horny if she had kept stroking that creepy plastic thing.

She was pacing nervously, and I knew that she was embarrassed as hell about having dragged both of us into this. I grabbed her arm as she walked past, pulling her around to look at me.

"Bella, do you really want to do this? You don't have to, you know. If you're uncomfortable…" I trailed off, losing my words when I saw how flushed her face was. The blush that usually followed her embarrassment had spread down her neck, and further…_Fuck-fuck-fuck…friends-friends-friends._

"Actually, Edward, I wish....fuck, I don't know why I'm doing this, well,…" she looked at me with a determined face, "I just want to be on the receiving end for once. I want someone's face glued to my pussy, tongue-fucking the hell out of me! What's so wrong with me? What did the blonde cunt have that I didn't?" Her face fell a little, and she moved to sit down back on the couch.

_Dirty fucking mouth…permanent blood loss from brain to dick-just stick that in the "cause of death" box on my death certificate. _

That little speech flipped the lid on my bottled-up self control, and I grabbed her before she sat down. I cupped her chin and tilted her head up so that I could see her eyes.

"What if I did that, Bella? Can I give you what you're missing? It'd be only for your pleasure, I promise." I said, hoping she could see how much I wanted this.

She was staring at me with wide eyes, looking slightly shocked. "You'd do that? But, I thought...you never saw me that way, all these years…"

"You were always with that asshole…let me show you what I've wanted to do to you since the first time I saw you."

* * *

_….since the first time I saw you_."

I was still staring at him, shell-shocked at the turn of events, when he reached down and kissed me. Once I felt his lips make contact with mine, my inner-calm flipped its shit and I grabbed onto him with no hesitation, sinking my fingers into his crazy sex hair. His tongue, the way he nibbled on my lower lip--_fuck me now…or better yet, lick me now! _My skin was heating up like a fucking oven and all I could think about was getting out of my fucking clothes.

What better way to make up for lost time?

Apparently he had the same idea, because he had already started unbuttoning my top. I started tugging at his buttons, trying to get his shirt off, but he stopped me.

"This is about you, love. I want to worship at the altar of Bella's gold-medal pussy first. Everything else can wait." He said with that ridiculous smirk.

"Well, if you insist, don't let me stop you…" I trailed off and gestured for him to continue.

**A/N: **Horrible thing that I am, it'll have to stop there for now. Worry not as there is some real stuff coming up next chapter. My thanks, as ever, to all the people reading. Thank you for the positive reviews! I sent everyone a teaser that reviewed (I wasn't able to send one to you EdwardMayI—but thank you so much likewise). Lavishone, thanks for being a great ear for all my woes and for giving some great ideas! See you all next Thursday.


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